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Showing posts from March, 2025

[Satire] Local Ex-Mormon Suprised by Lack of Reaction After Leaving the Church

PROVO, UT — After officially resigning from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, local resident Jared Simmons expected a significant shift in his relationships. Instead, he was surprised to find that most of his friends seemed largely indifferent to the news. Simmons, 32, had spent months mentally preparing for the fallout. “I assumed there would be some tough conversations, maybe even a few strained relationships,” he said. “I was prepared to lose some friends over this.” However, the reaction was far more muted than expected. When he told his close friend Josh about his decision, the response was underwhelming. “He just said, ‘Oh, okay,’ and moved on,” Simmons said. “I thought he’d want to know more, or at least ask why.” Simmons shared similar experiences with other friends. “I told a friend I’d officially left the Church, and she just said, ‘That makes sense,’ and kept talking about her weekend plans,” he said. “It felt like they barely registered what I was...

[Satire] LDS Church Partners with La-Z-Boy to Upgrade Relief Society Seating.

SALT LAKE CITY — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has announced a partnership with La-Z-Boy to provide more comfortable seating in Relief Society rooms, aiming to create a more welcoming and supportive environment for women’s meetings. “For years, we've heard from members that the seating in Relief Society rooms was uncomfortable and distracting,” said Elder Craig L. Nielsen of the Church’s Facilities Department. “We recognize the important role that Relief Society plays in the spiritual and social lives of our members, and we want to ensure that these meetings are as comfortable and inviting as possible.” The new seating will feature padded cushions with durable, stain-resistant fabric and ergonomic back support. Each chair will also have a slight reclining function to provide additional comfort during longer lessons and discussions. The fabric will be selected in soft, neutral tones to match the existing décor in Church buildings. “This upgrade reflects...

[Not Satire] Relief Society Devotional Highlights Women's Leadership with Central Male Speaker

In a notable approach to celebrating the 183rd anniversary of the Relief Society (the womens organization of the LDS church), the recent worldwide devotional prominently featured Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as the central speaker. The Relief Society General Presidency- President Camille N. Johnson, Sister J. Anette Dennis, and Sister Kristin M. Yee also contributed messages during the event.

[Satire] Manuscript Found! "Book of Joseph" Discovered After Nearly 200 Years — Turns Out to Be One Big Ego Stroke

SALT LAKE CITY — Scholars have discovered the long-lost Book of Joseph , a sacred text Joseph Smith claimed to translate from Egyptian papyri that he acquired in 1835. Thought lost after Smith’s death, the manuscript was recently found in a private collection in New York City and authenticated by experts. But the contents have left many raising their eyebrows — because it’s basically one long prophecy about Joseph Smith himself. Vignette described in 1835 by Oliver Cowdery as coming from the Book of Joseph, allegedly depicting Eve's temptation by the serpent The Book of Joseph expands on the biblical story of Joseph of Egypt, describing his rise to power, prophetic dreams, and visions of Moses and the coming Messiah. But much of the text focuses on a future seer named Joseph who would "restore the fullness of truth" and "translate records from the dust." Dr. Andrew Marshall, professor of religious history at BYU, said, "It’s remarkab...

[Satire] President Nelson Clarifies Statement on Jesus Being "Central" to the Church — "We Meant More Like a Supporting Role."

  President Nelson Clarifies Statement on Jesus Being "Central" to the Church — "We Meant More Like a Supporting Role." Lucifer's Lantern, March 24, 2025 SALT LAKE CITY — President Russell M. Nelson recently clarified that while Jesus Christ is important, the true focus of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints remains on following the prophet. In a statement released after growing speculation about the church’s evolving emphasis on prophetic authority, Nelson explained that Jesus Christ plays a role in the church’s doctrine, but the day-to-day leadership and guidance of the church comes through modern prophets. This view aligns with long-standing church doctrine that places continuing revelation through modern prophets at the core of church governance and spiritual life. The prophet is seen as the Lord’s mouthpiece, and members are taught that sustaining the prophet and following his counsel is the surest way to align with God’s will. Church historian ...